16 months later…

SLACKER ALERT!

no, not really.  I’ve had a fucking shitty 18months guys (and girls).  My last post was about cancer and for real – for me – it was no big deal.  Osteomyelitis, on the other hand, was a fucking HUGE scary, life stopping, fear inducing, mind numbingly painful money suck.  HA!  I had to cut it off somewhere….

All this to say, I’m kinda back.  I have a few spots to be vocal – but this is where I swear and bitch and share. I’m not going to share about that experience here… just about the recovery.

Have you every sprained something? Or broken a bone?  Recovery sucks… all that down time, boredom, itching or swelling or… ugh.  #thestruggleisreal I’ve been there. Taped shoulders while teaching boxing, ace bandages and ice packs. Dislocated ribs. Herniated disc…. Resting. Then comes the rehab.  You take that first step and it’s awkward. But your body remembers how it’s supposed to work and slowly, you make progress. Yes, there are bumps – but, in general…. you move on and soon enough – YOU ARE FUCKING BACK, BABY!  You know the drill.

It’s like there was a serious storm and you have to go out and pick up branches and maybe replant some stuff and mop the basement.  2016 was a full force, house flattening hurricane for me. I got out alive, barely. And DAYUM! So happy to be here.  But recovery….

After 2 lumbar surgeries and a natural spinal fusion I am working out again.  This is what I want to share with you: it’s harder than you think.  If you are where I am/was, I want to encourage you to keep the fuck moving.  Find your best “Can do” attitude and power through.

except…

FF>> this week.  I’m swinging bells, teaching classes and feeling pretty confident. (Teaching = instruction with a few physical examples. Sometimes I actually participate for 10-15 min. ) I do NOT attend other people’s classes.  It’s scary.

Here’s why.

1. Are they aware of ALL the ways I compensate?
2. Will I remember to NOT do something I am unsure of? (no.)
3. Will I get pressured into “try this” which makes things much worse?
4. I can’t keep up anymore – but I TRY to.
5. What if I hurt myself and…
   1. It hurts
   2. I need surgery
   3. I need to take MORE time off
   4. I have to re-re-recover
   5. It hurts

This week I attended 2 trainings of someone else.  One was a group, the other personal training.  I heard the same thing from both – I’m going to paraphrase:

• Don’t try so hard
• Relax your breathing, take advantage of the small breaths

I left workout #1 crying.  No one wants to try really hard to be told – you’re trying too hard.  Ugh!  (Unless you need it, but still. Shit! No, my feelings aren’t hurt, I’m just so damed tired of climbing up the fucking hill.)  The mental game is brutal.

Sometimes,  I can’t make my body DO that thing…. My body feels like it forgot how.  There’s lots of anxiety.

So – do I try really hard or do I quit? Finding the middle space is so hard.

In my attempt to find the middle space:

I’m going to practice breathing, easy breathing while working.  I’m going to start training from the beginning. Learn how to breath, like I’ve never learned it, never taught it.  I’m gonna keep going through the motions, trying to make it look easy …until it is.

 

Thanks for listening.  #thestruggleisreal is so overused – but also completely appropriate.